My Mind Wants Me Dead

Well, not my entire mind, but certainly the majority of it. About 10% of the time, the healthy part of me emerges, scared shitless, and engages in a flurry of activity to try and get me help.

I know that I am slowly (or, maybe, not so slowly) killing myself. I mean that literally. Currently, I have a doctor offering to put me on Suboxone to get me detoxed do I can start getting treatment for my addiction. I have a tentative offer from one of the best addiction treatment centers (Hazelden). Everyone I know, doctors and friends alike, want me to get this help. And yet…

The healthy part of me desperately wants me to get this help also, but the unhealthy part of me is so strong that I am having tremendous difficulty committing to this course of action. I can’t say I don’t know what to do, because this very sensible solution is staring me in the face. Part of me wants to get better. A bigger part of me wants to die. This is, hands down, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

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