Feeling Like I Want to Die

I want my eating disorder to kill me and I want the oxycodone to keep me numb while it does.

Seriously, in the past I’ve had thoughts along the lines of “I’ll never eat again”, but they were always sort of halfhearted. I honestly feel, this time, that I am done with food for good. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Come Monday, I intend to cancel all my upcoming medical appointments, so as to have more money for drugs and for those I’ll be leaving behind.

I’m going to start withdrawing from social obligations. Actually, I’ve been doing this for years and have already significantly reduced my circle of friends. I don’t want the people that still care for me to see me wasting away.

I’m tired and ready to be done. I will not come out and tell anybody this directly, because someone is bound to try and stop me. I will continue to post to this blog because I know I’ll have things to get off my chest and won’t have anyone to talk to. I will also continue to work as long as I am physically able to. I will continue to need the money and also need to maintain the semblance of “business as usual”.

If my supply of oxycodone dries up, I will switch back to heroin. I’ve only ever snorted it, but would love to try doing it intravenously.

I’m sick. I know that. If this post isn’t an example of how sick I am, then nothing is. I’ve been sick for years. I hate it. Nothing I’ve done to get better has worked. Dying is the only way to stop being miserable and is much preferred to the hell I’ve been living.

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