Many years ago, I believed that questioning one’s sanity was a sign that one was, in fact, sane. I think the difference right now is that I’m not questioning my sanity. I know I’m nuts.
It’s weird. I have a little nugget of rationality left that sees what I’m doing, knows it is completely irrational, yet can’t seem to do anything about it.
That’s not entirely true. If that were truly the case, I wouldn’t still have my appointment at Hazelden and I wouldn’t still have my appointment with the doctor who wants to put me on Suboxone.
I just want to feel better and if dying is the only way to stop being in pain, then so be it. And that is crazy…