Fuck it

I just got a call from Hazelden and they won’t even do the substance abuse assessment until I’m off oxycodone and on Suboxone. Right now, I want to say ‘fuck it, fuck my recovery’ and continue on the death spiral I’m in. I’m sure I’ve made it evident from past posts that I’m very reluctant to begin any recovery anyway and a setback like this makes it even easier to fuck myself.

Hell, my main problem isn’t even substance abuse. My main problem is that I want to fucking die and my anorexia will take care of that before any opiates get a chance to.

When you want to die and you’re an anorexic junkie, where the fuck are you supposed to start to get better? I mean, I try to do the right thing. “We can’t treat your anorexia while you’re using.” “We can’t do an ASSESSMENT (a fucking assessment!) until you’re clean.” Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you.

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