Since I’ve already admitted my moral shortcomings, I might as well go all in.
Until I finally die, I am going to have to convince everyone that I’m fine. One advantage to have having an eating disorder for so long is that I am already fairly well practiced in this regard. I just need to take it to the next level.
From now on, I will lie to everyone, family, friends, co-workers, about my health. As I get thinner, I’ll obviously have to acknowledge being at least a little ill, but I can always follow that up with the “I’m in treatment” line.
As for my erratic mood, that will be a little harder to hide. The oxycodone helps in that regard. I’ll just have to take care that I don’t run out.
The hardest part will be fooling my roommate. She, ironically, is a recovered anorexic junkie herself and, as such, will be more attuned to what I’m doing. Fortunately, she’s been pretty hands off so far and has not pushed me to hard to get help, although she has done a little bit.
No one IRL knows about this blog and I intend to keep it that way so I can continue coming here and sharing what’s on my mind. Holy shit. If anyone I know ever did find out about this blog, I’d be more fucked than I am already, if that’s even possible.