I’m a Monster

I didn’t post anything this weekend because I was in the midst of a cocaine fueled bender (yes, I was still taking oxycodone at the time and, yes, I know that is very, very dangerous).

I lie to everyone. I put drug use before everything else. I’m scared to be around my children. I have completely lost touch with reality. I’m going to wind up in jail or dead.

I have my appointment with the doctor that wants to start me on Suboxone in an hour. Last week, I would have probably declined to start the treatment. Perhaps, it’s a good thing that this weekend went down the way it did, because I finally am committed to getting clean.

Maybe, I’ll feel like this about my anorexia someday too. I weighed in at 145 this morning.

I’m just tired of being an asshole. I obviously have no problem treating myself like shit but I do feel awful about treating others that way. Plus, and I know I’m still not sane because I’m thinking this, I do not want to die because of drugs and have my kids know about it. That’s not the crazy part. The crazy part is that I’m still ok with the anorexia killing me. For some reason, that’s ok. Oh well. Let’s deal with the drugs first and then see if I have a “come to Jesus” moment for the anorexia like I just had for my drug use.

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