I’m genuinely worried about Thanksgiving. This is my first day stepped down to 40mg of oxycodone and it is really messing with my head. I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal. I thought it wouldn’t affect me that much. Boy was I wrong. It’s not that feeling shitty is a surprise, I guess. I just want to be in a decent mood around my family on the holiday.

And that’s not even the worst part.

I can’t fucking eat.

I talked about that with my therapist today (though the main topic of conversation was my recent conversion from decadent, hard-core drug user to repentant sinner). She suggested I have a plan on what I’m going to eat in such a way that I don’t need to sneak away to purge. She also suggested that I contact my ex and get her up to speed with where I’m at with respect to my eating disorder. That way my ex can, theoretically, discretely speak with the other adults who will be there, so they’re not alarmed by my eating habits.

That might work, if eating any more than 200 calories didn’t send me running to the toilet. I’ve really been turned off by purging recently (rich, I know, coming from a former bulimic), which has been helping to fuel my anorexia. I even did a little experiment today. I ate about 300 calories on three separate occasions and wound up throwing up each time. I still have a gnawing inside me, like I didn’t get everything out, but I took my last oxy an hour ago and really don’t want to chance purging that.

I wish I could just drop off my side dish, go home and spend the rest of the day watching football and not eating. But I have kids, so that’s not an option. Fuck.

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