Day 0

And, so it begins…

I’m at the doctor’s office. He just gave me 4mg of Buprenorphine after confirming that I am indeed in mild withdrawal (I’d hate to experience the severe form). After 45 minutes, we’ll talk and he’ll give me another 4mg. Then, wait another hour and, if need be, take a little more at that time.

The physical discomfort doesn’t really bother me too much. I mean, I can live with it (though, it is a comfort to know that it should be going away shortly). The real discomfort is the mental anguish that has returned in full force in the last few days. I’ll definitely ask him if the replacement drugs will help at all with that when we talk next.

My desire to destroy myself has returned with a vengeance. I haven’t self-harmed in months but, this weekend, I fantasized about stripping down to my underwear, climbing into the tub with a brand new razor blade (yes, I know I should throw them away, but I can never manage to do so), and just cutting the shit out of my entire body. I’m trying to not do this but, if I feel bad enough and I think that will make me feel better, nothing is off the table.

Even in the short time I’ve been writing this, I’ve felt the Buprenorphine kick in. Thank god. I wonder how long it will last…

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