Day 1

I’m at the doctor’s office. I just put an 8mg Suboxone under my tongue. In half an hour, I’m going to meet with the doctor to have another 4mg of the Buprenorphine and to do a little talk therapy. I’m glad that I didn’t feel the need to take any more Buprenorphine last night, even though it was available to me. I commented to the doctor that, though I didn’t know if it was supposed to work this way or it’s just that I’ve been in withdrawal for a week, I actually felt better on the Buprenorphine than I had been feeling on the oxycodone. He thought that was a good thing.

My incident with eating yesterday has only sealed my resolve to not eat. Food simply stresses me out these days. Even when I do eat, I just throw up anyway and, in cases like yesterday where I’m unable to purge, I just feel awful.

I broke down and ordered another pair of jeans on Sunday. These ones are 28×32. That’s it. I’ve googled around a bit and a 28 inch waist is the smallest standard size for men’s pants. I guess, at this point, I’m going to have to go into a store and try to find some kids jeans with a smaller waist that still have the length I need.

I was thinking about it last night and this morning and I realized that I am still ok with my eating disorder. I know that’s not a good thing. I know I’m setting myself up for serious physical damage, up to and including death, but I really just have no interest in eating anymore. I obviously hit bottom with respect to my drug addiction, but I honestly don’t know how far I’ll go to reach a similar point with my anorexia.

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