I’m Lucky… So, Why do I Suffer?

I know I was despondent last night. My roommate pointed out to me how lucky I was, to have a doctor who is a leading expert in eating disorders, who was willing to start me on Suboxone and who went for bat for me to get me in to Hazelden, despite the fact that I’m starving myself.

Rationally, I know all this and am very grateful. So, why do I still want to die? I was serious about what I said about not eating last night. Maybe I should start small. It’s now December 3rd and I haven’t eaten yet this month. I wonder if I could go the whole month without eating. I wonder how much weight I would lose, if I did.

Maybe my doctor has some plan to get me to start eating again, because I’m certainly at a loss over how to do it.

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