I Ate a Little

My aunt was really getting stressed out from me not eating and she doesn’t even know that the last day I ate was Monday. I had no desire to eat, but I agreed to go to a local seafood place, where I managed to choke down a half a bowl of clam chowder and a couple bites of coleslaw. I wanted to throw up as soon as I finished but, because we were in the car driving home, I didn’t have the opportunity.

She also got in contact with a friend, whose daughter used to be anorexic, and asked about a med that helped her eat. It turns out that it was just a run-of-the-mill antidepressant.

Not that I would have taken it anyway.

I haven’t come out and straight up told her that I currently have no desire to recover from my anorexia and that I am quite content with the prospect of it killing me. I’m pretty sure that she would force me to go to the hospital if I were that honest with her. She knows I’m sick, but not just how sick.

I used to love food. It makes me sad (well, sadder) when I think about how much I hate eating now.

4 thoughts on “I Ate a Little

  1. Just to get this straight, you’re willing to go to rehab to get through a serious drug addiction, but won’t do anything about the thing that will kill you sooner than those drugs would have?! Seriously man, you need help and you’re strong enough to get it! It’s not easy owing to drug addiction, you are owing up to friends and family, check yourself into a hospital before you end up there without being able to sign your own admittance paper


    1. I know I need help. I know my eating disorder is more threatening than the drug addiction. I know I need to go to a hospital. I just am struggling to make myself do it. I want to. I really do and I don’t understand why I’m having so much difficulty with it.


      1. Because maybe, in a way, you have control over this but you can’t be sure what will happen once you admit? Or you’re afraid of facing why you feel this way? I don’t know… I’m def not a doctor or in any way qualified to give advice… But you seem so close taking the step to help yourself, but there’s not the last push. You’re waiting someone to drive over to a clinic with you and get you out of the car. Ultimately, no one will do it for you. You’ve got to make that choice yourself. I don’t know you, but I wish you luck!


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