Day 12

My good friend invited me out to dinner last night.  I wasn’t interested in eating, but I do like spending time with him, so I agreed to go.  Recently, I’ve worked out a pretty good system for trips to restaurants.  I order based upon what I think I can manage to eat about 3 bites of (because that’s about all I can stomach… pun intended!) and also, I consider what my roommate might like to eat.  It works out pretty well.  I manage to keep my caloric intake from food under 100 calories and my roommate usually gets a pretty healthy snack out of it.  I know that, if I don’t get something she’ll eat, it’ll just wind up getting thrown away, so this way I’m not wasting!

I just ordered my kids their Christmas present.  I got them an Amazon Echo.  I’ve got one and they are pretty damn slick.  I’ve talked with the Echo a little with my daughter and she thinks that they’re pretty cool too, so I think this will wind up being a good gift.  It also got me to thinking that, if things go as I want them to, this should be my last Christmas.  I guess that’s a little sad, but it doesn’t really bother  me that much.  I’m just wondering if I should do something to make it a little more special, given that it might be my last Christmas.  I don’t know.  It’s something to think about.

I guess what does bother me a little bit is not knowing when, exactly, I’m going to die.  I definitely have urges to just off myself in a more traditional way.  My doctor actually put me back on lithium a few days ago to help with this.  I’d really like to stick to just starving to death.  I’m pretty sure though that, as I continue to get sicker, the desire to just ‘die already’ is going to get stronger.

It does give me plenty of time to put my affairs in order, though.  I’m changing the beneficiary of one of my retirement accounts to be my roommate, so she’ll have them money to take care of the dog while she figures out what to do after I’m gone.  I’ve spoken with her about it.  She knows I want to die and will be absolutely crushed when it finally happens.  She also thinks that I’ll get my shit together before I actually die (and she may very well be right, even though it certainly doesn’t feel that way right now).

I’ve started to isolate, intentionally.  I used to do that automatically when I would feel shitty, but now I’m taking time to slowly remove myself from the lives of others.  I no longer initiate social events and I’m being more and more discerning when deciding whether or not to participate in those that I’m invited to.  I’ve started unfriending people on Facebook.  I’ve probably only done a dozen or so, so far.  I don’t want to go too fast because people may get suspicious if I just flat out drop off the grid someday.  I’m sure I’ll think of more things to do to prepare for my death as time passes.

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