I Think I Just Snapped

I was just lying in bed, in indescribable mental anguish, giving serious consideration to swallowing a bunch of pills and just ending everything now.  It was awful.  Then, something… shifted… slipped… I’m not sure.  All I know is that I no longer doubt whether or not I’ll be able to starve myself to death.  And I feel so much better as a result.

I don’t want to see my kids anymore.  I mean, I do.  I don’t want them to see what’s going to happen to me though.  I’ll see them again, at some point, but I’d like to figure out a delicate way of saying ‘goodbye’ and then just to stop seeing them all together.  I know their mother will absolutely flip out, if she learns what I’m doing, so I still need to work out the details on that.

I’ll tell a couple of people.  My roommate already knows that I intend to kill myself like this, but there was some doubt (on both our parts) as to whether or not I’d be able to pull it of.  I need to make it clear that she should start making arrangements for where she’s going to live and what she’s going to do with the dog after I die.  I told the friend I went to dinner with last night that I wasn’t planning on getting treatment for my anorexia.  I may let him in on the full scope of what’s going on.  I’ll tell my friend in England.  We’ve known each other a long time and have been through a lot together.  I’m sure he’ll understand.

I’m not sure what to do about my medical team.  I guess I’ll do rehab still, just to ‘keep up appearances’.  I’ve already told my psychiatrist that I want to die.  I’d like to just quit everything, but I kind of need the Zubsolv or I’m going to go through some wicked withdrawal.  I don’t know.  I guess I’ll have to get this figured out also.  I just don’t want to wind up involuntarily hospitalized.

I feel good, though.  I’m ready to die.

2 thoughts on “I Think I Just Snapped

  1. Thanks for your kind words. I’ll obviously be hanging in there for a while yet. Although I blog mostly because I feel the need to get this stuff out (and it’s not exactly a great topic for casual conversation), it does feel good to think that others might take something positive from it.


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