Day 16

(Hazelden Day 3 of 32)

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning. I brought him up to speed on my first couple of evenings in rehab and told him that I thought the Pristiq was starting to kick in and improve my mood. Then we began talking about food.

He is an expert in the field of eating disorders. I was completely honest with him. I told him how much I weigh (137), as well as what my ‘normal’ weight is (172). I told him that I was quite comfortable with my eating disorder and was definitely planning on losing more weight. I acknowledged that I am currently very unhealthy but that I didn’t really care.

He was not surprised by any of this. He said that the further one gets along in the disorder, the harder it is for one to see how sick they’ve become or have any desire to get better. I contrasted it with the flu. With the flu, if you give it time, you’ll eventually get better. With anorexia, if you give it time, you just get more anorexic. He was pretty level headed about the whole thing. I told him how, if I wanted to eat, I don’t think I’d have a problem with that. I just have no interest in eating right now.

We left it with him asking me to try to eat something, anything, today. I said I would try and thought that I might grab a slice of pizza during rehab and take 3 or 4 bites. They wound up having chili at work today, though, so I made myself eat a half a cup of that instead. And now, I’ll eat again on… Friday… maybe… if I go out to dinner with my kids. Otherwise, I don’t really know when I’ll eat again.

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