Day 49

I’m still confused. I just don’t understand… I don’t know… anything? And I’m so tired. Why am I like this? On paper, I’ve got a really good life and lots of things to live for. In reality, I feel miserable all the time. I cry most days. I don’t seem to care about anything. I’m […]

Day 48

I’m a bad person. I don’t deserve my wonderful kids, my amazing dog, my trusting friends. I have a great job. I really love what I do and get paid very well for doing it. I have so many really good things in my life. So, why do I feel awful all the time? Why […]

Girl in Need of a Tourniquet

This is the “pride in the power of self-destruction” that psychologist Otto Kernberg writes about in Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism. It is the RADICAL FREEDOM of refusing self-preservation and instead bringing blade to skin. It is about the relaxing of vigilance, like taking a harsh drink or a tab of acid. Holding myself rigid […]

Day 44

“I hate my life. I hate myself.” That’s the recurrent statement that feels like it’s been on a continuous loop in my head for most of my life. The oxycodone silenced it for most of last year but it’s now back with a vengeance. I told my psychiatrist this morning how I was feeling, but […]

Day 43

What a shitty day. At rehab, we spent the whole time providing encouragement to a woman who had relapsed over the weekend, which was a positive thing. I didn’t contribute much because I spent the entire session angry at the world and thinking how I don’t give a fuck if I relapse. It’s happening again. […]

Day 39

I’m a little scared. The last several days have been very unpleasant, emotionally. With all the drugs I had in my system for the last year, this feeling has been kept at bay. I definitely recognize it though. Whenever I’ve felt like this in the past, it’s culminated in a suicide attempt a few months […]

Day 37

I’ve had plenty of evidence over the last several years demonstrating to myself and others how generally fucked up I am. Every once in a while, something comes out of the blue that reinforces it in such a way that I am shocked by my twisted thinking. Tonight, while I was waiting in Penn Station […]