Day 37

I’ve had plenty of evidence over the last several years demonstrating to myself and others how generally fucked up I am. Every once in a while, something comes out of the blue that reinforces it in such a way that I am shocked by my twisted thinking.

Tonight, while I was waiting in Penn Station after rehab, an old friend called me. He told me a friend of ours from high school committed suicide on Christmas. I was shocked by my gut reaction to the news (“I’m so happy for him. He must have been truly suffering and now he’s at peace.” and “I am so envious of him and the fact that he was able to pull it off.”). Then, I couldn’t control these feelings, I immediately asked my friend how he did it. My friend didn’t know but, being aware of my own history of failed suicide attempts, quickly became concerned about why I wanted to know.

And right before that phone call, I binged and purged on pizza. I have thrown up in the bathroom in Penn Station now more times than I can recall. I don’t want to give up my eating disorder. It’s the only thing I have left that makes my life even remotely tolerable.

I’m really OK with being this fucked up though. I mean, I’ve been like this for a very long time. I accept it and am comfortable navigating life in this way.

4 thoughts on “Day 37

  1. I’m not following your blog but I’ve been reading a couple of your posts over the weeks and months and I always wanted to say something but couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t stupid. See, I am just sad for you that you are feeling the way you are. You are not fucked up – you just want an escape and your mind is centred around that. But trust me, though suicide may seem the easy way out, you will also miss out on so many beautiful things. You mentioned earlier that you want to live for your kids, at least until they are adults. But why bother if you can’t be a proper role model for them? I know this sounds mean and harsh and ugly but please think about it. You are not living you are existing. The choice to live is yours. Battling mental illnesses is one of the hardest things to do but so many have done it and you can, too. You see – what’s harder than starting the battle of recovery? Staying the way you are. Because that must be really fucking hard. And while recovery is a fight it is one worth fighting. For your children and your self and every person in your life who cares about you. For concerned strangers like me. I know you think nobody cares but people do care. I know that because I am the same. I keep thinking no one cares but its only because I withdraw from everything! It’s so tough to admit these things to yourself but life is beautiful when you fight for it. See yourself as a warrior not a worrier. You are only wasted space if that’s what you want to be. I know mental illnesses can shape your thoughts more than anything and can MAKE you want to be that way. But you can fight them. You truly can. Please try. And if you fail try again. Never stop trying. You wanted to take your kids somewhere and it didn’t work out – but look at yourself from a 3rd person’s view. You are not a responsible role model for any child. I’d not let you take my children anywhere either. And you know what? You can change. You have so much potential. I don’t know you but I know that you can be so much better. Staying the same way you are now may seem the most comfortable option but in reality change is wonderful. Changing and evolving and seeing yourself thrive is wonderful. Please please start trying again. Nothing can break us down if we don’t let it. Love yourself. I know it’s so hard but if you are able to go hours, days, weeks without food you have a fucking strong willpower and mental strength. You can use that to love yourself too. It may take longer but it’s worth it. Everyone who has overcome similar will tell you that. You are worth it. Please try. Reach out to people. Spread positivity. A fake smile may not be the real deal but at least the corners of your mouth are already where they ought to be: one step closer to genuine happiness. Good luck. I hope you realise that I’m telling you the truth before it’s too late. đź’•

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    1. Thank you. I’m pretty much on board with everything that you’ve written. I do have moments of clarity, where I want to get better and help myself and fight to get healthy. Unfortunately, those moments are fleeting. There enough of me that wants to heal that I continue to stay sober and go to rehab. I meet with my psychiatrist every week and do my best to learn how to handle my assorted mental illnesses. I’ve started being much more honest with others and myself. I’m being much more proactive in terms of engaging with my kids. So, while I’m certainly in a bad place right now and have very little hope of improving, I trust the people who are trying to help me and taking the steps to slowly start moving in the right direction. That’s about all I feel capable of right now. And that’s ok. It’s going to take time, but I’m at least on a positive trajectory now. Thanks again for your concern.

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      1. I’m glad to receive an answer. Best of luck and please don’t give up. I know sometimes you feel like you want to fade away and just disappear. I was (am, in a way) the same. But the healthier your choices get the healthier your mind gets. It gets easier because you get stronger and your priorities fall back into the right places. DO not let the bad thoughts take over – they are what kills us but we can turn them around. We CAN.

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      2. You have lots of hope to improve. Hope is something no one can take from you. And hope is what keeps us strong so don’t let yourself give it up. My thoughts are with you and I hope you manage to get your life together and find happiness someday. Like you said – it will take time. But it will get better (because you’ll make it better)

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