This is the “pride in the power of self-destruction” that psychologist Otto Kernberg writes about in Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism. It is the RADICAL FREEDOM of refusing self-preservation and instead bringing blade to skin. It is about the relaxing of vigilance, like taking a harsh drink or a tab of acid. Holding myself rigid with attention to other people’s moods and preferences, the relentless effort to win someone over with charm and merits, the ongoing work of building a career and forming a life—all this effort just stops for a minute with the glass of whiskey and razor blade.
The choice to cut is a signal.
I am not trying any more. I am taking a break from doing my best.