My healthy mind and addict mind are locked in mortal combat for my soul. I moved (temporarily) to my wife’s ashram in the Pacific NW a little under a week ago. I can get better here… if I can get out of my own way. Talking to my wife and leadership here, the general consensus is “what have I got to lose?”.
This is a fantastic opportunity to reboot my life in a healthy and wholesome way with the woman I love. But my addict brain is strong. Even though it’s completely illogical, my disease is trying to get me high still. I’m making all sorts of plans to use. One of my dark web purchases (a gram of mdma) could arrive as early as today. A friend from NC sent me heroin and some bonus drug(s) yesterday which should arrive tomorrow.
I would be insane to do any of these drugs. The leader of the ashram believes, consequently, so does my wife, that the next time I use, I will literally drop dead. I recognize that’s always a danger with these things, but I’m pretty careful. But still, assuming I won’t die, I will get kicked out and possibly do irreparable damage to my marriage… and that’s still not enough to keep me from using. I’d hide it, of course, but truth will out.
So, I’m at a pivotal point right now. I know the right thing to do and a portion of me wants to walk that path. I just don’t know if that healthy part or the diseased part of my mind will triumph. It’s very scary.