Eating Disorder Treatment

I have an intake assessment with Monte Nido tomorrow afternoon, to see if they’ll take me into their program (hopefully at the IOP level).

My eating has been fucked up for years now and its been really bad the last twelve months. I began showing anorexic symptoms almost exactly a year ago… Two months before my drug relapse actually began. The anorexia got considerably worse right before I went back to heroin in May.

I continued restricting until I wound up in the special rehab in Orlando that also treated eating disorders. Of course, it was only partially ED treatment. At the dedicated ED treatment center I went to several years ago (Sheppard Pratt), bathrooms were always locked, except for dedicated breaks. In Orlando, they were only locked for 30 minutes after snacks and 60 minutes after meals. Let me tell you something… I can still purge quite a bit on that timeline, and I did (since I couldn’t restrict).

I eventually realized that I was defeating my purpose of being there by purging all the time. I told on myself and was rewarded with a doubling of my bathroom lock times. I still managed to find ways to puke (my garbage can disappeared for a little while).

Of course, I relapsed the day I left Orlando and my purging habit was pretty much on autopilot at this point. I would continue to purge for the rest of my time in NJ, through my time at my father’s in Utah, and well into my stint in sober living in Portland.

It wasn’t until a few weeks before my most recent relapse that my disorder flipped again and I went back to restricting. And, of course, when my relapse actually began, my calorie consumption literally dropped to zero for about 5 days.

Now that my body has been starved, it’s responding by making me binge and it sucks. I’ve been purging some. I’m really trying not to but my weight keeps climbing and I’m really starting to freak out. I’m very close to either restricting (again) or purging almost everything (again).

So, yeah. An intake with an ED clinic is probably in order. The weird thing is, my counselor and friends get freaked out and worried by my ED. I recognize my eating disorder is unhealthy but I really don’t think it’s a big deal. I also recognize that I’ve been doing it so long that these behaviors have become somewhat ‘normal’ for me. I really don’t have a problem eating and then immediately going to the bathroom to throw up. Nor do I have problem skipping breakfast and lunch and then eating a small dinner (or not eating anything, all day). Hence, why I need the ED clinic.

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