I feel like I totally alienated N by acting stupid on Snapchat. I haven’t heard back from her in at least 15 minutes and now I’m experiencing an intense fear of abandonment. (hopefully… probably, imagined).
Why do I do this? Why am I such a fuck up? I started being a wise ass… pretending to be becoming manic (maybe I am). Even so, it’s not funny. Why do I sometimes think my mental illness is something to joke about? Especially, to someone I care about and who cares about me. Being manic is not funny. Not sleeping to try too trigger mania is not cool. Joking about either thing is completely uncalled for. Now I have to live with being an asshole. It’s shit like this that makes me think I’ll someday relapse.