Losing My Shit, Again. (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My BPD.)

I’ve texted with, but haven’t seen nor spoken with N all day. This should not be a big deal but, with my shit, it is.

I’m trying to get down how I feel about this. And why. Even though I’ve been in therapy for close to a decade, it’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve achieved a fair ability of being able to talk about my feelings… And I’m still not particularly good at it, though I’ll certainly give it a go.

In a nutshell, I feel sick. I feel completely abandoned. I feel despondent. I feel like throwing my hands in the air, saying “fuck it”, and cutting myself. I feel like shooting up. I feel just awful and want to do anything to make the feeling stop. Heroin would do nicely, even though I’m not going to do it.

Let’s take a look at the symptoms:

  • Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, whether the abandonment is real or imagined
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Ok. I was going to go into each of these, but N just texted and will be calling me shortly. I still have feeling of impending doom, but at least talk to her and, most likely, everything will be fine.

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