Still Rockin’ That BPD

This is sort of a follow up to the previous entry and is spurred on by my not getting a phone call from N after she said she would call.

Referencing the symptom list from that entry, I am currently (1) freaking out about abandonment, (2) devaluing our relationship, (4) eating too much when I shouldn’t be eating at all and spending money I don’t have, (5) cutting (10 minutes ago), (6) having my mood flip all over the place (she just texted me again and I cried), and (9) thinking that S & D are talking downstairs about all this shit.

(I feel asleep before posting the previous section. It’s now about 6 hours later.)

I did have another brief text exchange with N after I wrote the previous portion. She confirmed that she’s not doing well, but doesn’t want to talk about it at this time. I’m tempted to blow off work and go into treatment to see her this morning, but I really need to catch up.

As much as it hurts me, I think the right thing to do is to just back off and give her some time. I need to get it through my thick skull that she is not abandoning me but, rather, simply working through her own shit. I’ve offered myself as someone to talk to or to merely be a sounding board, but she’s not there right now. I need to accept that and give her space.

I did an I Ching reading about this last night. It covered the difficulties of creating something new and unknown but was generally positive (I thought). Check it out here.

I don’t know what to do exactly, but I am going to try to give her space today… let her reach out to me instead of vice versa… as much as that might be uncomfortable.

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