Success. I’ve gone the whole day without contacting N. I saw her briefly about 15 minutes ago, when I gave her her gift. She received it very well. I also told her I’d be reading the book Codependent No More, which she was very pleased about.
Now, she’s off sitting with her beau (D), which is great. I’m sitting by myself (there weren’t a lot of seats available when I came in from smoking), which is giving me the opportunity to post this, while freshly sober alcoholics collect their chips… and I feel pretty damn good.
It’s crazy (I’m crazy). Yesterday at this time, I was stuffing my face and puking my guts out (after spending most of the day with N). Today, after starting to take action my codependency and intentionally detaching (with love) from N, I feel fantastic. I assume there’s a correlation. Unfortunately, with my BPD, I have no idea if this isn’t actually just some weird emotional bounce from another external event.
Or, maybe, it’s because I am restricting a bit. I actually did my meal plan and grocery list, but then got rushed to the meeting before I got a chance to eat. We’re evidently going to Applebee’s after the meeting. My original intent was to try to eat normally there. Now, I would rather not, less it kill my mood. I’ve been trying to eat better, but my eating disorder is still pretty loud.
Whoa! I just had to go up and collect my chip for having under 30 days (26 to be exact). Of course, ‘not using’ = ‘ramped up ED’ because that’s how I roll. Don’t really want to be that way. I just am. Trying to fix that, if I can. Hence, the doubled up IOPs.
Oh, well. I don’t feel this good very often. TBH, I’m feeling slightly manic… and I love it. TBH again, I haven’t been 100% compliant with my prescribed medications (my bad). It’s tough being bipolar. Being manic is like taking cocaine or crystal meth. In fact, I once spent three days while manic where it felt like I was high on coke. Fantastic. You can understand why bipolar people sometimes try to game their disease to get back into a manic state.