I just got out of my last ED group. It was about sitting with discomfort and the benefits of growth resulting from such. Well, I start thinking about sitting with discomfort, and the next thing I know, I’m fucking fantasizing that I’ve got a needle in the crook of my right arm, shooting up two and a half points of meth!
For the next ten minutes in group, I’m gone. I am totally immersed in the fantasy. It weaves back and forth, between dope and meth. And this is with basically no discomfort! I mean, I’m fucking manic. I feel great and have for days now.
What this is, I think, is more WAC-A-MOLE. I’m starting to rein my eating disorder in, so my fucking disordered brain responds by turning my drug cravings back on… big time.
WTF! How am I supposed to beat all of this if, every time I get one disorder under control, a different one surfaces? I mean, this has been going on for years. That’s a main reason that I’m trying to treat my eating and my addiction simultaneously. I need to talk about this in group tomorrow: ED and SA. Maybe if I start putting shit like this out there, I can get some relief.