Shake Up (Relationship Edition)


I spent close to three hours on the phone with N last night (from about 10pm to about 1am… thank god, I’m manic).  She wanted to discuss her thoughts about breaking up with D.  I’ve never given much detail on that relationship and the thought of providing that information AND covering all that we spoke about feels overwhelming, even in my heightened state.

It began with her showing me a text that he had sent her about wanting to meet, in person, today.  She had evidently been getting ready to send a break-up text as a response and wanted to talk about it with me.  This was all generated by a pretty intense fight they had evidently had the night before.

Some background:

  • D is 19.  N is 29.  (I’m 43, for those who haven’t viewed the About page.)  She’s taken to calling him ‘childish’ and a ‘kid’.
  • This is one a a few fights in the last couple of months.
  • He has 10 months clean.  She just took 6.  (Both in relatively early recovery.)
  • She feels that, while she is very good about considering him in things like making plans and spending time together, that consideration is not reciprocated.
  • She thinks he’s very attractive, but that alone is not doing it for her.
  • They don’t share the same love language.  I don’t remember what his is.  Funnily enough, N and I share the exact same top three: Quality Time, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, in that order.  It’s probably a big reason why we love each other so much and are so compatible.

Before we get to my feelings about the whole thing, I’d like to discuss the ultimate decision I helped her arrive at last night/this morning.   She’s not going to break up with him immediately (possibly, not at all, if he can get his shit together).  Instead, the plan is for her to basically institute a communications blackout with him until Monday.  He mostly knows her feelings on the situation because of the fight they had.  That will give her the space to get some perspective on the situation.  Additionally, the last time she did it, she felt a lot more freedom and general happiness.  I expect she will feel similarly this time.  Plus, it will make him sweat and maybe take what she said more seriously.  Although, she has trouble with decision-making sometime, I think she’ll be fairly ready to make her decision, one way or the other, come Monday.

I’ve also agreed to become sort of a mentor to D and share some of my, considerably more extensive, life experiences to help him grow… regardless of whether they break up or not.

My Comments

First, I’d just like to say that, since detaching a bit a week ago, I’m starting to doubt whether I’m in love with her.  I’m too early in sobriety and honestly just don’t know at this point.  I can’t say that the thought of her being unattached doesn’t get me excited, though.  I suspect that she wouldn’t mind being unattached for a while either.

Honestly, I’d still like to date her, though I’m not in the right place to do so at this time.  I’m actually scared she’ll start off on a relationship with someone else, before I’m in a place  where I can propose taking our relationship to the next level myself.  The thing is, I’m also scared of what would happen to us if we were to try to change our relationship.  I don’t want to lose what we have, but I think about what we could have and it seems like it could be even more wonderful than it is already.  I think I should tell her this (thoughts?).  Something along the lines of:

N, I love you more than you know.  You’ve often said the same to me.  I’d really like to ‘date’ you, but I’m still too early in sobriety to be messing about with that just yet.  Honestly, given our current relationship, I don’t think dating would look significantly different from what we have between us together already, with the exception of probably some more physical displays of affection thrown in.  I don’t know if you are even interested in pursuing this course of action.  I know I’m a little scared that you might get involved with someone else before I am healthy enough to go down that road with you (if you even have any interest in that).  I’m scared of telling you this, less I fuck up what we have now.  I’m scared of not telling you, less I let this opportunity slip away.  I also know that I still really want to move in together, regardless of whether we decide to pursue this possibility.  I value our companionship too much to not want to spend the bulk of my (limited) spare time with you.

I love what we have and where we are at.  I also want to grow and have more.  (Dialectic!)  I’ll understand and continue to love you, regardless of how you feel about this.

You mentioned last night that you wondered if I had an ulterior motive.  I evidently did.  I wanted you for myself.  I know that’s selfish and unhealthy.  It did, at the time, cloud my judgment and make me not want to talk to D, lest I manage to help keep your relationship intact.  That was fucked up and I apologize.  I got over it later in the conversation… hence why I agreed to sit down and start playing a more active, mentor-like role in D’s life, regardless of how things turn out between you two.

Ultimately, I love you and just want you to be happy.  I know that at least part of the happiness is derived from the friendship we have and I feel that I would like to grow that further in the (hopefully) not too distant future.

I think I’m going to stop there for now.  I am DEFINITELY open to feedback, if you want to throw in some stuff in the comments section.  Let me know what you think!

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