Battling the Ego

WARNING: This post contains a detailed discussion about drugs that may be triggering to some. I am NOT planning on using, but this is where my own triggered brain went today and I wanted to share.

I’ve thought about going out (relapsing) often. Every addict has. The urge that I posted earlier prompted me to engage in a little thought experiment: if I were to go out again, what would it look like and would I get caught?

Now, there is an infinite possibility of ways to relapse. And once you’ve done it one way, it’d be extremely unlikely to ever repeat it. So, let’s just pick one or two of the simpler possibilities and explore those. Being a junkie, I’ll explore what a possible relapse on heroin might look like. Being an amateur tweaker, let’s also take a look at crystal meth.

There would be a few steps:

  1. Get drugs
  2. Get paraphernalia
  3. Use
  4. Cover up

Let’s get into it.

Get Drugs

I got rid of the phone numbers I had for my dope and meth dealers when I returned from my last relapse. That said, I have learned, from past purchases here in Portland, where at least 1 or 2 cop spots are. Not having a car would make it more difficult but I could possibly cop as part of another trip out somewhere. I could wait to have an activity not too far from the cop spot and just get on the bus a half hour early (maybe more?). Anyway, use that extra time to swing by, cop, and then proceed on my way.

Get Paraphernalia

I’m a simple addict, with simple needs. If you’ve read a tenth of my blog, you probably know that I’m an IV drug user and will need at least one or two syringes. On my last run, anticipating a lot of use, I bought a box of 100 from Walgreens. I’d rather not do that for a proposed one-time use (where would I keep them?). So, where to get them… I don’t have any experience with them but, perhaps, a needle exchange would fit the bill? I have no idea where they are or how they work, so I’m just going to leave this kind of unanswered but say, tentatively, “needle exchange”.


Use at home or somewhere else? Using at home has a certain comfort factor, but the user risks being walked in on in the middle of things. Plus, you wouldn’t have to try to get home after. Elsewhere, one could lock oneself in a public restroom and proceed unhindered. It would give one the opportunity to get used to being high before being thrown back in with housemates. Of course, shoot too much dope and someone may see you stumbling home. Final verdict: shoot dope at home, meth outside the home.

Cover Up

This section, by far, is the most important. Screw up here and you could wind up homeless. First, drug testing. It happens a lot. As discussed in a previous post, you’ve got about a 3 to 4 day window of pissing hot, depending on the substance used. When you’re being UA’ed 2 or 3 times a week, that’s a tight window. This is probably the biggest deterrent to using and is a significant ‘external motivator’ to stay clean. If you figure out a way to beat the UA, good for you. Even if you don’t, you still have to be careful around your addict housemates who are very aware of what it looks like to get high. I think, maybe, claiming a medical condition might help, particularly a mental health condition. For instance, if you’re using dope and you have depression, work that angle when you get high. From there it’d easy to infer a patch mania to cover being high on meth.

Then you have disposal issues, specifically, used syringes. Ideally the syringe would be made safe and put in a medical waste basket. More realistically, make it safe and discreetly deposit it in a public trash can.

So, if you don’t piss hot, get caught in the act, ratted out or do an improper disposal, you may get away with your fun. If any of this things go wrong, you are probably found out and, as a result, screwed. Be clean, be careful.

Finally, let’s tie this on to the ego. You’re probably going to want to talk about this or drop subtle hints, because your ego wants to get stroked for what you’re trying to do. Don’t. Unless you want to get found out. It’s that simple.

Anyway, that wound up being a lot longer than I anticipated. As much fun as going out might be, at least initially, the odds of being caught are high and not worth the punishment. Work your recovery and stay clean!

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