Nice is Different Than Good

I did the right thing.

While my addict brain desperately wanted to torpedo the relationship between N & D, my better half prevailed and helped both of them to repair the rift that had opened between them.  I had to.  They’re both really close friends.  Though N is obviously closer than D, I’m going to start making the effort to get closer to D.  Hell, he’s not much older than my son and could probably use some of my life experience to improve his life.

That said, D is very solid for a 19yo man with only 10 months of sobriety.  He has a great relationship with the house manager, S, who has imparted on him a great deal of spirituality, which is no doubt playing a significant role in keeping him sober.  However, he still has a lot of growing to do and I think I could help him.  It’ll probably help me too.  Thanks to N for suggesting this to me.

Anyway, I’m very nice.  Even when I’m high, I’m probably one of the most considerate junkies around.  That said, I come up short on the ‘good’ side of the street often.  My addict brain is still very strong.  I became a horrible (and by ‘horrible’, I mean ‘excellent’) liar over the last several years of my addiction and I still lie more than I should.  Part of the problem is that I am also quite intelligent which, in this case, translates to me being very ‘clever’ in terms of thinking of things like ways to relapse.

For instance, at the substance abuse treatment center, we are given random urinalyses (UAs).  Everyone is assigned one of 6 colors.  Each day, from 2 to 4 colors are written on the board at the treatment center and, if your color is called, you get to pee in a cup.  For whatever reason, my ‘clever’ brain realized that, while the color selection appears random, it’s unlikely that it is actually completely random.  The staff at the treatment center probably want to make sure certain colors UA a certain number of times each week (or two weeks, or over whatever time frame they have in mind).  It is for this reason that I believe that there is a deterministic pattern associated with whatever colors come up each day.  So, I’ve decided to start tracking the colors each day to see if I can tease out the pattern.

To what end, you ask?

Well, my addict brain knows how long drugs are detectable in a UA (e.g., heroin ~4 days, meth ~3 days, etc).  My addict brain is thinking that, for example, if I know I’m not going to be UA’ed until Wednesday on a given week, I could conceivably get loaded on a Friday night and have my urine be clean again by the time I UA’ed.  If I did something like meth, I could even pass off any strange behavior as a manic episode.  After all, my mania does not look too different from me being high on something like meth or cocaine.  See?  This is what I’m talking about when I say I’m nice, but not good.

Let me caveat those last paragraphs by saying that, at this point, I’m not interested in relapsing.  I really am curious to see if there is a pattern to the UAs though.  I like puzzles like that and I’m usually quite good at solving them.

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