I’ve been feeling pretty damn good the last few weeks. Yet, over the last week or so, I’ve been plagued with the strongest urges to use that I think I have ever had. The compulsion I felt yesterday to cop meth was, literally, insane. I feel bad… I want to use. And now, evidently, I feel good… I want to use. I must be an addict.
I really want to purge right now also. At least I don’t want to self-harm. I don’t like this. It’s fucked up. I really want to use and purge. And it’d be fairly easy to do either (or both). Getting drugs is ridiculously easy in this town and the bathroom is 10 feet away from me right now.
I don’t have a case of the “fuck it”s… yet. I’m trying to understand this urge to use. I know I could really fuck myself over by shooting up, seriously. I know, know, know this! Still, I honestly can see myself relapsing in the next week or two. It might not be a full blown, multi-day run, but it could be shooting up once or twice, just to scratch that itch. I’m fucking torn and confused. I simultaneously want to use and am scared to death over what might happen if I do. I’m fucking crazy.