Future Tripping and Isolating

I just got my Oregon Driver License… well, at least, the interim. The real deal will show up in the mail in about 5 days. So, I now am waiting on a nearly $500 check from Moda and my driver license. Under no circumstances can I relapse before I receive both of those (not that I’m planning on relapsing).

Theoretically, this new form of ID will enable me to get my health insurance turned back on. I’m future tripping though, and expect that effort to fail, which would effectively terminate any treatment I hope to get.

What then? Relapse? Move to NC? Who the fuck knows?

I don’t give a fuck.

Normally, I’d reach out to friends when I’m feeling like this, but I feel like they’re burnt out on my bullshit. So, I’m going to bottle it up and tuck myself away and not bother anyone. I think that N, in particular, is at her wit’s end with me.

Maybe I’m not ready to be clean. Maybe I’ll never be ready and I’ll wind up living my considerably shortened lifespan with E, in NC, shooting heroin and meth until I eventually overdose. Fuck. I am in a bad place right now.

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