As a lifelong atheist (and even now, as a Taoist, I guess I’m still an atheist in the strictest sense of the term), I have never believed in miracles. Right now, I don’t know what else to call what has happened to me in the last 6 or 7 hours.
I was certain, or nearly certain, that I was not going to make it through yesterday without using. Per my last post, near midnight last night, I had that moment that I described as my pre-frontal cortex cutting a deal with my lizard brain. This morning, my obsession to use is completely gone. It’s like the deal doesn’t even matter. I don’t feel like I’m delaying gratification a couple of weeks until I’m in a better position, financially, to potentially pick up again. I just have zero desire to use this morning, with no caveats attached to it.
With everything I did yesterday to try to stave off my relapse, I’m sure just about everybody I know in Portland knew I was extremely close to picking up. I also know how shit like this works, when someone gets in a state like I was in and everyone knows about it. I’m pretty sure I had literally dozens of people praying for my sobriety yesterday. And my sobriety, through no real tangible reason as far as I can discern, was saved.
Is this a miracle? I don’t know. It’s an exceptional happening for which I have no rational explanation. Left to my own devices, I’d be high on meth right now, probably be waiting to be kicked out of sober living, and, most likely, be on a course that would have shortly left me both homeless and jobless with next to no money to my name. I did everything I was supposed to do in my situation (i.e., talk to my sponsor, reach out to my sober network, go to meetings, etc). I mean, I did fucking everything. And nothing seemed to be working… until the obsession just lifted. This is my first ever higher power “spiritual experience”.
I’m sure I’m not out of the woods. I may be back in the thick of it in two weeks, picking up and flying to NC but, for now, I feel more assured about my sobriety than I think I ever have.