I know that this isn’t original and that others have felt like this before, but for the last several years, I feel my life has been progressing as if it were a movie. All this crazy shit has been happening to me, mostly because of my drug addiction, and a lot of the time it’s as if I’m watching it from a third person point-of-view. Although, granted, when I’m actually in the act of shooting up, I am very much in my body and in the moment as the dope/meth/whatever rushes into my veins.
I’m approaching another crossroads, very similar to the one I faced a little over 5 weeks ago when I wrestled with whether to go to North Carolina with E or stay in treatment in Portland. The rational part of my brain, what little seems to be left of it these days, would really like to stay in treatment, in Portland and continue to slowly heal. The addict part of my brain wants, of course, to use (when doesn’t it want to use) and then pop smoke and fly to North Carolina and E. I realize now, I’ve got this third, sort of dissociated self, that is watching the whole thing play out like a film and it’s not surprising that, given my own taste in film, this movie-going AJ wants to see what happens if addict brain wins out so that the ‘adventure’ can continue in North Carolina.
So, what now? I’ve an idea… I’m going to do an I Ching reading right now, asking the question: “What do I need to do about my addiction at the moment?” Hold on a sec… brb.
[One I Ching reading later…]
Well, that couldn’t have been more direct. Basically, it seems to be saying I’m in grave danger, but will come through it successfully, if I can do the hard work.