I just got off the phone with my wife. She knew I was struggling with urges this week and wanted to check in with me. I told her I came very close to using Tuesday but, basically, lied when asked how close ‘close’ was, so as not to alarm her. I’m not going to go into details, but I believe I came considerably closer to using than most suspect. I had (well, ‘have’) a plan for using that I consider a sure thing (maybe?). I guess ‘successful’ is a relative term in this case. I’d be successful in getting high… and immediately return to being very unsuccessful in just about every other area of my life.
My addiction is speaking very loudly to me right now. It currently has me convinced that I don’t really want to be sober. Fortunately, I don’t have enough money to do anything about it right now (short of getting high the one time, as mentioned earlier). And that’s pretty much the only thing keeping me clean right now. That’s not encouraging for my long term sobriety. Hell, that barely buys me two weeks, at which point I’ll get paid and then all bets are off.
So, in a nutshell, and I know this is completely irrational, I want to relapse. I want to go back to using. My brain has convinced me that I can use while maintaining my job and, maybe, a handful of relationships. I currently believe that it would be worth losing, well, everything in exchange for being able to get high again (specifically, on heroin and meth). I already have an ‘out’ in terms of somewhere to go and someone to use with, if I do go down this path all the way to the end. And that ‘out’ is so, so appealing.