Sometimes, I surprise myself. I beat myself up mentally so much that I sometimes forget that, despite my drug habit (and even during my active addiction), I’m able to do some pretty fancy shit with a computer.
I just stayed up until 2am getting all the pieces of my project to work, end-to-end, and am now tying up loose ends and putting some slides together for this afternoon. This is in spite of basically losing Tuesday and Wednesday from work, while I tried desperately to keep from relapsing.
Now for the provocative statement: I believe that I would have been able to accomplish the same thing, even if I had been active in my addiction over the last week. In fact, it’s possible I’d be further ahead than I am already, if I had been using in accordance with how I normally coordinate my using with my work as I wouldn’t have lost so much time Tuesday and Wednesday.
Of course, crazy things tend to happen when I’m active in my addiction, so what I just said was a best case scenario. It could have been much worse also. I guess crazy things happen when I’m sober too. I don’t know. It’s probably stupid to play such a ‘what if’ game. If I had been using, I guess the safest thing to say is that all bets would have been off. I may have done much better, but I may have done much worse. The fact is, I’ve been doing a pretty good job getting work done while getting high over the last year, but there’s probably a limit to how long that can go on. Hopefully, I’ll not relapse over the next few weeks so I don’t have to find out where that work performance inflection point lives.