My addiction is, literally, making me crazy. All these thoughts I’ve had of using, the shit I’ve done or might do, the fact that I currently view a relapse as ‘ok’ and a lengthy run as ‘manageable’. All of these thoughts are entirely devoid of grounding in anything remotely resembling reality.
During the AA meeting I was at tonight, of all places, I came up with the idea of selling drugs for supplemental income, if I relapse and go to NC! You know… order a half or quarter kilo of heroin or meth or whatever from the dark web and just go to town. I am fucking insane!
Did I mention that I’m willing to trade my friends and the life I’ve started to build here in Portland? WTF! Unhinged!