We (S, H, F, Z and myself) just finished a rocking game of Power Grid. For the second time in three games, the game went to remaining money to decide.
It was a very good distraction. Everyone had a great time and it got the thoughts of using out of my head. Right after the game I was thinking that I don’t need to use, if I could maintain that feeling. Unfortunately, the feeling is back already (approximately 20 minutes later).
N has been riding me pretty hard about my urges and confession that I’m thinking about relapsing. I don’t mind because I know it comes from a place of love… and maybe something she tells me will make something stick.
R is leaving for Seattle in a month and a half. She also, based on something N said, is ignoring some of my musings on relapsing, making me feel abandoned. Those two things combined lead me to want to blow her off. I don’t know. I’m so hot and cold with people.
I’m a shitty friend. I don’t know why people want to spend time with me. I and selfish, self-centered, deceitful, and a bunch of other negative things.
Wow. This got negative fast. I need go to bed. Goodnight.