My head is pretty screwed up right now. I don’t feel like using. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. I guess my urges are just relatively low right now and I am fairly certain my chances of picking up right now are low.
The problem is, I feel like I’ve given up. Fighting to stay sober over the last week has left me physically and emotionally exhausted. I really want to throw in the towel. Actually, it’s like I already have. I’ve accepted that I’m going to relapse, possibly within the next 30 days, and have started to take steps to contain the damage as much as possible. Translation: I’ve begun to actively plan my relapse… not the actual using, per se, but what I’ll need to do following my picking up to ensure I’ll be able to continue working and supporting my family.
I know this is a fucked up, irrational thought to be moving forward with and it will almost certainly become self-fulfilling if I don’t do anything about it. I know I don’t need to relapse. I just can’t shake the belief that relapse is inevitable at this point. It’s making me more than a little sad. I’m mourning my sober life, even though it doesn’t necessarily need to come to an end. I will try to prevent it from happening, but I think it’d be wholly irresponsible to not put at least some minimal planning into what I can do if I do relapse.