Rapid Cycling Urges

I’ve been swinging back and forth between being despondent about my ‘inevitable’ relapse and feeling ok and understanding that I don’t need to pick up again. Additionally, I’m cycling between three different scenarios for how things will play out over the next month or so.

So, when I’m feeling beat up, I wind up in a state very similar to what my depression looks like. I have no energy, no motivation, and I’m super isolatory. I honestly believe that I have no choice but to eventually relapse and suffer the horrible consequences of that.

Alternatively, when I feel, generally, good, my behavior is typically ‘normal’. I believe that I don’t have to relapse. A bit alarmingly, when I’m like this, I sometimes think about voluntarily relapsing… making the conscious decision to pick up, with a plan in place to manage the blowback. I know that’s crazy, but it’s where I’m at recently.

The whole thing could play out 3 ways, as I see it:

  1. Stay sober and stay in Portland. This is obviously the best solution in the long term. It really requires no further expansion.
  2. Relapse and stay in Portland. As much as I would like to stay in Portland, I’d probably be homeless and/or on my own. Best casing it, I find someone who let’s me couch surf until I can get my own place. My relapse would most likely be brief, but disruptive.
  3. Relapse and move to North Carolina. This would be the most chaotic solution (which actually is a little appealing). The relapse would probably go on considerably longer, but I’d have a ‘partner in crime’. In anticipation of relapsing, and not being able to find someplace to live in Portland, I have done some nominal planning for this eventuality, as it presents logistical challenges not present in the others.

One note on my sobriety, I made it through steps 1 through 3 this afternoon and get to start working step 4 again. This certainly ups my chances of enacting the first course of action.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s