I’ve been swinging back and forth between being despondent about my ‘inevitable’ relapse and feeling ok and understanding that I don’t need to pick up again. Additionally, I’m cycling between three different scenarios for how things will play out over the next month or so.
So, when I’m feeling beat up, I wind up in a state very similar to what my depression looks like. I have no energy, no motivation, and I’m super isolatory. I honestly believe that I have no choice but to eventually relapse and suffer the horrible consequences of that.
Alternatively, when I feel, generally, good, my behavior is typically ‘normal’. I believe that I don’t have to relapse. A bit alarmingly, when I’m like this, I sometimes think about voluntarily relapsing… making the conscious decision to pick up, with a plan in place to manage the blowback. I know that’s crazy, but it’s where I’m at recently.
The whole thing could play out 3 ways, as I see it:
- Stay sober and stay in Portland. This is obviously the best solution in the long term. It really requires no further expansion.
- Relapse and stay in Portland. As much as I would like to stay in Portland, I’d probably be homeless and/or on my own. Best casing it, I find someone who let’s me couch surf until I can get my own place. My relapse would most likely be brief, but disruptive.
- Relapse and move to North Carolina. This would be the most chaotic solution (which actually is a little appealing). The relapse would probably go on considerably longer, but I’d have a ‘partner in crime’. In anticipation of relapsing, and not being able to find someplace to live in Portland, I have done some nominal planning for this eventuality, as it presents logistical challenges not present in the others.
One note on my sobriety, I made it through steps 1 through 3 this afternoon and get to start working step 4 again. This certainly ups my chances of enacting the first course of action.