Defeated

I am so fucking tired. It’s 4pm and I’m in bed. I may or may not get up before tomorrow morning. Hopefully, I’ll just sleep for the next 12 hours. I probably need it. Plus, it’s hard to relapse when you’re sleeping.

I swear, right now the only thing keeping me from copping and using drugs (any drugs, at this point… well, anything I could shoot) is the fear of losing my sober home and winding up on the street. It is a horrible place to be, to want to use so badly that you’d risk homelessness.

[I fell asleep for a few hours, got up, had dinner and am now back in bed.]

I think I am the only one home right now. The temptation to use is really high. If I decide that getting high is more important than, well, anything else, I don’t think it would take me too long to get there. I don’t mean to come off as special or anything; addicts, in general, are crafty when they need/want their drugs.

I hope I fall asleep and sleep through the night. Maybe, if I can be rested, a lot of this will go away.


I’ve written off two of my most important relationships (R & N). I haven’t been in contact with R for at least three days, even by text. I saw N, briefly, today but really had little desire to talk. I might see her again Wednesday, but will not be contacting her in the interim, nor really engaging all that much when I do see her.

I’m fairly certain that everyone is pretty much done with me and my bullshit. I’ve overstayed my welcome. As much as I love Portland, I really don’t see the point in sticking around here much longer. Again, maybe I’ll view it differently when I’m rested, but if things don’t change, I don’t expect to not leave within the next 2-3 weeks.

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