North Carolina (Choose Life)

In my last post, I called out a move to North Carolina as one of three high level resolutions to the addiction-inspired angst I’ve been struggling with the last couple of weeks. I also mentioned that it has been receiving more planning than the other two options because of the complications associated with getting my ass set up on the other side of the country. So, I decided to take a closer look at what that might look like.

As a reminder, I came quite close to doing this during my last relapse, so I know some definite truths:

  • I would make a lot of people who care about me very angry and/or sad.
  • My relapse would last substantially longer than if I managed to contain my relapse to Portland.
  • The uncertainty surrounding a relapse of this sort would be considerably higher.

I would be tying my fate, at least temporarily, to another addict. I would probably become involved in illegal activities, beyond the mere purchasing of illicit narcotics, increasing my odds of ultimately winding up incarcerated. It would be a difficult life with a fair amount of suffering.

Our only response was to keep on going and ‘fuck everything’. Pile misery upon misery, heap it up on a spoon and dissolve it with a drop of bile, then squirt it into a stinking, puerile vein and do it all over again. Keep on going, getting up, going out, robbing, stealing, fucking people over. Propelling ourselves with longing towards the day that it would all go wrong, because no matter how much you stash, or how much you steal you never have enough. No matter how often you go out and rob and fuck people over, you always need to get up and do it all over again.

– Mark Renton, Trainspotting

So, why even consider this course of action?

People think it’s all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn’t do it. After all, we’re not fucking stupid. At least, we’re not that fucking stupid.

– Mark Renton, Trainspotting


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