I had a good talk with my house manager, S, at dinner tonight. I told him everything that was on my mind and he had some very good advice with respect to staying sober. I still don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, though.
I know I don’t have to relapse tomorrow but I already have it in my head how it might go down. The scary thing is how easy it would be to do it. In fact, I think it will be harder for me to stay sober tomorrow, than to not. And so, I’m slowly coming to acceptance.
Slowly. I haven’t given up yet and I will continue to fight this when I wake up tomorrow. It is very tempting to say “fuck it all” and just shoot up. At least, it would purge this feeling from my body and mind. It would cause a lot of chaos and change my life for the worse but it would offer some relief.
I don’t know any more. I don’t want to kill myself right now, but I sure as fuck don’t want to be alive any more. It seems like overdosing on heroin, always a distinct possibility, given my DoC and RoA, would be a relatively painless way to finally snuff it.