Fucked

I’ve been broke for the last week or so and it’s been a great constraint preventing me from relapsing.  Today, I unexpectedly received a very large check.  More than enough to get high and then go wherever the hell I want to go.  I’m still waiting for my non-interim driver license, which may keep me grounded for a little while longer.

My mind is now playing through all sorts of scenarios, very few of which don’t end in relapse.  I’ve never imagined a scenario where suddenly coming into money would ever be such a bad thing.  Never.  My higher power (or whatever the fuck landed me with this money) has a fucking perverse sense of humor.

4 thoughts on “Fucked

    1. That’s fantastic. I’m fairly sure I won’t pick up today but I really don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. At least, if I relapse, I’ll have a reason for my life feeling so shitty… and I’ll be able to get high from time-to-time to make it a little more tolerable. I know that’s a horrible thing to think, but it’s honestly where I’m at right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m sorry that is where you find yourself – although I disagree with the thinking…. as in my experience… using = shittier feelings. Use what tools and skills you have available to get through the moment… and then the next…. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for each moment you face

    Liked by 1 person

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