I told my therapist about this blog last week. We had our individual session today. He asked a lot of pointed questions regarding my thoughts on relapse as a result of what he had read. I’m not too surprised. It was a good thing. It shed light on a lot of things that I’ve needed to talk about but have been unable to bring up up until now.
I’m still dealing with a fair amount of inner turmoil that I have not shared with anyone just yet. I’ll get there though.
We came out of the session today with a couple of important things. First and foremost, I need to figure out what the fuck I’m living for because right now I have nothing and that’s part of the reason it’s so easy for me to say “fuck it all” and turn to drugs, bulimia, self-harm, etc. I need to fucking “choose life” (which I can conveniently not forget, as I’ve had it tattooed on my arm). That tattoo has certainly had a mixed history, ranging from the moral imperative it commands right now, to the wholly ironic connotation it took on when I was shooting up inches away from it. I’ll work on it. I have to. My life literally depends on it.
The other relevant action that came out of my meeting today, was trying to add something positive to my posts here. That’s probably a good idea. I can get pretty dark sometimes (my head is a dangerous neighborhood to get lost in) and forcing myself to find something positive to wrap up my posts, regardless of their negativity, would probably be healthy. Normally, I’ll be doing this in my own words, but the final monologue from Trainspotting seems appropriate enough for this post.
The truth is that I’m a bad person. But, that’s gonna change – I’m going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I’m cleaning up and I’m moving on, going straight and choosing life. I’m looking forward to it already. I’m gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.