My urge to use drugs has lessened even further. However, as if like throwing a switch, my eating disorder is back on (I wound up purging twice yesterday). For the time being, I’m going to grab it an run with it (game on!), with the hope that it’ll ultimately allow my brain some peace without having to turn to the needle.
I weighed myself this morning, for the first time in about a month. I came in at 174.4 lbs / 79.1 kg / 12 st, 6.4 lbs. That’s a relatively ‘healthy’ (god, my ED hates that word) weight for a 5’11” man, but my disordered brain has already got it’s own target weight in mind: 148 lbs / 67.1 kg / 10 st, 8 lbs. Of course, even if I manage to starve (skipping breakfast, this morning) and purge (a very likely outcome, if I manage to eat lunch) myself to that weight, it won’t be enough. It never is.
You know what? I’ve lost enough weight. I think I’ll stop now.
– No eating disordered person, ever.
From a positive perspective, and keeping with the ‘game on’ theme of this post, I think I may have found something healthy to be addicted to: board game design. I’ve thought about doing it in the past. I know I’d be a bit obsessive about optimizing the rules. That said, rather than having to manually run through hundreds of hours of game play, tweaking rules, I think I’m more than capable of writing a game play engine. The idea behind that is that I can plug the rules into a computer, add some simple AI and run thousands of simulations in a few minutes and see the outcomes. Additionally, I could actually write an optimizer, that would tweak the rules themselves to achieve a desired game play. Who knows? Maybe I can try making my first game, if I don’t fizzle on this idea, about drug addiction.