Tired and Wanting to Use

I think I just need to vent a little bit. Please bear with me.

Fuck. I don’t even know if I need to vent. I don’t know anything any more. Maybe I just need to go to bed. I’ve had a generally good day. I have, however, had a lot of stressors in the last few days. I am emotionally exhausted and just want to shoot up and be done with everything.

I just had a realization that, at this point, I’m basically waiting for an excuse to use. I suppose I have had excuses, but haven’t picked up, so that’s good. I’m financially sound enough that, if I were to relapse, I could probably afford to stay in an extended stay America (or someplace similar) almost indefinitely. That’s not a real long term solution, though.

My real driver license showed up today. My shoes show up tomorrow. I could literally book a place to stay, right now, for tomorrow night. I could cop, use, and then fuck off tomorrow.

Ironically, my therapist today praised me for doing so well and told me I should consider looking into becoming a certified recovery mentor. I know, with my set of shit, that if I can actually pull this ‘recovery’ thing off, I could probably benefit a lot of people in a more formalized role, in the future.

I guess I’ll just keep taking it one day at a time (no day but today). I probably won’t pick up today nor tomorrow.

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