Relapse (again). FML.

I have heroin and will shortly have meth. I have been kicked out of Sober Living Oregon and the Boulevard treatment center for sitting on a rig filled with a quarter gram of meth at my sober house for two and a half weeks. The fact that I never used it certainly says something about my desire to stay clean, even if I did pick up about 90 minutes ship. A lot of thought went into is hiding location, not so much because I really wanted to use it (though I do now) and more so because I didn’t want anyone else to get hurt by my fuckedupness. Maybe, someday, I’ll disclose the location.

Anyway, I brought the rig into treatment treatment today with the intention of bringing things to a head (which I most certainly did). I intended to either use, and face the music in two days time, if I could couldn’t beat the UA or the other option, I figured, was to just bin it and be done with it. What I didn’t anticipate was N asking a lot of pointed questions about my urges to use.

In about 3 minutes, I admitted to having a meth-filled rig on me. It only took her a few more minutes to convince me to dump it, which I will never be able to properly thank her for (I don’t think anyway… maybe… someday). I traumatized her, which I’ll ever have to live with, but she did help me (immensely) to not use. For that, and for a host of other reasons, I will always love her and cherish our friendship forever, even if she despises me for the rest of her life. This is a prime example of me being nice, but not good.

So, I am currently in a hotel near the PDX airport, through at least Sunday. I’m going to try to find myself something a little more permanent on Craig’s List in the next few days. Although NC is an option if things get too crazy, Portland really has the supports I need at this time.

Freed from the shackles of Sober Living Oregon, I can do Refuge Recovery without simultaneously having to work a 12 step program. Although, the RR vs. 12 step programs are not hugely different, I definitely prefer the former over the latter. I’ve already reached out to my RR mentor (J) and he’s going to talk to me tomorrow, when the drugs have gotten out of my system.

Oh, and I should call my wife tomorrow.

Also, expect a bunch of posts tonight. I’m basically in your typical meth induced mania right now and probably won’t be getting to sleep anytime soon. I’m actually going to make lemons out of lemonade and get some of the work done tonight, that I’ve been letting slide the last few weeks as my addict (reptile, thank you S) brain has been locked in a fight for my soul with my rational brain. Addict brain may have won this battle, but I am, by no means, giving up on the war.

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