Relapse (For Real) – Trigger Warning

I fucked up, royally.  My addict brain has been working on me to relapse for weeks now.  I tried to reach out, but I didn’t do enough.

Anyway, my diseased mind thought it a good idea to bring a quarter gram of meth, in a rig and ready to go, into treatment on Wednesday.  At the time, I figured I’d (hopefully) throw away or (worse casing it) use it after I left and deal with the bad UA a day or two later.  I did find something worse than either of those.

I started speaking with another client who pressed me about my recent urges to use.  It took all of me about 3 minutes to admit my transgression.  The good news is that it only took me another 3 minutes to squirt it out in a puddle on the sidewalk and dispose of it where it wouldn’t trigger anyone else.   The bad news is, the damage was already done.

I walked back into my last group of the day and admitted to what I had done.  They, thankfully, let me finish group before taking me aside and discharging me from treatment and asking me to leave Sober Living Oregon.  Given the severity of what I had done, I quickly came to acceptance and began to move on.  This final act of getting kicked out was just what my addict brain was looking for to pick up.  I couldn’t get my stuff from the house right away, so we went and copped for a pretty good amount of heroin and meth.  I brought that back to the hotel room I booked, with a stop at Outside In for gear, (I’m there now) and, after I was done picking up my things a little bit later, I returned and shot up.  That went on until about 9am, when I loaded up too much meth and too much heroin in the same rig.  I don’t think I OD’ed, but I certainly came damn close.  Thank god my wife had come over the night before and was there to look out for me.  I love her tremendously for putting her through all that and accept that I have probably significantly hampered our reconciliation as a result.

I’m on my last leg at this point.  That final modified speedball has certainly left me with a very high urge to get clean and a very low urge to use.  One of the new sober living options, given me, is from the head of SLO, JJ.  I’m scheduled to talk to him again tomorrow and see him on Sunday (maybe to move in, if I seem a good fit and can pass a UA).  I am going to talk to him more about the UA.  I know it’s takes about 3 days formeth/heroin to clear your urine.  I also no how much meth and heroin I did last night (a lot) and am concerned I might still piss hot for another day or two after that.  If I have to wait five days to get in without a problem, I can find somewhere else to live for two days until I know I’ll be clean.

Anyway, I’m still working out, temporarily, officially couch surfing for a few day (if need be), the ‘8×8’ sober living place or maybe, even a inexpensive room or studio apartment for a week or two from Craigslist, if I need more time to get on my feet.  I am concerned about becoming homeless IRL and so have started making back-up, to the back-up, to the back up plans to avoid that situation later.

Anyway, I’m 27 hours clean right now, hanging out and going to meetings with my Refuge Recovery sponsor later this afternoon and this evening seems like a fantastic idea.  Thank God this relapse was on a short (albeit, intense) timeline.  I’m also grateful for the large amount of support I’ve been getting from brother and sisters in sobriety, when I haven’t had all the Boulevard support I used to have.

Oh, and the meth triggered my anorexia, so now I’m dealing with that shit too…

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