I just realized something about my recent relapse. I had started days, if not weeks, before, isolating. It wasn’t super obvious, because I was doing it in a traditional manner. I mean, I was still being social and interacting with friends… but I stopped sharing my thoughts of using completely.
Now, a part of that had to do with the fact that I was hiding meth. Although I knew it unlikely to ever be discovered, and fairly tricky to even get at, to boot, the fact that it was there fucking ate away at my psyche.
I was reaching out and sharing with people, but this secret, never shared, never stopped bothering me. In the last few days, I came to believe that even the couple of people I was closest to, were fed up with my incessant chatter and wanted no more to do with me anymore.
So, I started dialing my interactions back with them as well.
As I became more and more closed off, the more and more the things I needed to be shared became locked inside. Eventually, the tension became too much to bear.
I snapped. Self-sabotaged. Engaged in behaviors that, while not actually using, we egregious enough to get me kicked out of everything and an excuse to use.
The good news was that the relapse was brief and I’m already getting back on my feet. I’m back in the my preferred treatment program (which wasn’t allowed by my previous treatment because it wasn’t 12-step based) and doing everything my mentor there tells me. Which I have no problem doing, as I trust him and want his kind of sobriety… something I had trouble finding in previous AA sponsors, even though they were great. I’m even scheduled to lead the opening meditation at tomorrow night’s meeting. 😊