Am I as Good as Dead?

If you ask my wife, yes. I just got off the phone with her. She now speaks openly about putting plans in place for after I’m gone, a couple of months from now. These conversations leave me feeling quite hopeless.

I know that wanting to stay alive, just to prove her wrong, will not actually keep me alive. To say that that sucks is a huge understatement. Tbh, when I hear her talk that way, it almost makes me want to give up… but now I don’t… and I don’t know what to do.

I feel pretty shitty most of the time I’m awake these days. My sleep is plagued with fucked up dreams as well. I’m constantly afraid. I’m meditating multiple times a day, but it only offers temporary relief. Going to Refuge Recovery meetings helps (12-step meetings, a little less so). I’d like to think this will ease with time. I can’t bear imagine that it won’t.

I feel all alone. I know that’s not true. I just have to sit with these feelings. Craving is the cause of suffering. Also, it’s my relationship to experience, and not experience itself, which leads to suffering. So, I guess I’m craving the companionship I lost last week. I suppose I’m in the process of rebuilding what I lost, in that regard, and it is just going to take time to do so.

I’ll go to a meeting I’ve never been to tonight. And talk to people. We’ll see how that goes.

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