It has been a little over a week since I nearly killed myself using drugs. During that time, my urge to use has been, basically, zero. I knew that wouldn’t last though and today it changed.
For several hours today, my brain has been trying to convince me that it’s ok for me to use, just a little, meth. My brain is going back to that first, fairly moderate, shot that I gave myself that began my run last Wednesday. How it felt and how I (thought I) was still in control at that point (wrong!).
Anyway, the act of shooting up is now stuck on some loop in my head. A big difference now, compared to last time, is that I know that if I choose to go down that road, I will die. My addict brain tells me to just not buy that much meth and/or heroin, but that won’t work. I know I would buy too much and I would die.
So, it’s time to sit with the discomfort, meditate, talk with me mentor, etc. Again, using drugs, ever again, is simply not an option. And for the foreseeable future that is going to make my life unpleasant.