Do you verbally beat the shit out of yourself?
I’ve been fucking tearing into myself the last several days. I tell myself:
- I am the most worthless piece of shit to walk the face of the earth.
- I deserve to suffer.
- I deserve to die.
- I should get fired.
- I make the lives of those who know me, worse.
- I am an awful person.
- Every bad thing that happens to me is truly deserved.
I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. I would never, in a million years, say anything like this to anyone. Yet, I have no problem lobbing this constant barrage of degradation at myself.
It’s no wonder I’ve barely been able to drag myself out of bed the last several days. The only time I escape this verbal assault is when I’m sleeping. So, I’ve been doing that as much as possible recently.
I guess it helps that I’ve also been exhausted recently, as well, making it relatively easy to sleep… a lot. I’m evidently depressed right now but who gives a fuck. I deserve it, right?